A few things I’ve learned (as a wife), in 24 years of marriage

Be your husbands biggest cheerleader
I don’t think we women have any idea just how important our support and encouragement is to our husbands. They go out into the workforce every day with the pressure of providing for the family. I realize many wives work as well, but that’s not the point right now. A man is raised to “take care of his family,” and when they feel they aren’t doing a good job, not providing enough financial support, or losing your affections, etc. things can go downhill quickly. It gets in his head and can cripple him. Many things can happen in the course of his day to bring him down. Someone undeserving gets promoted, the project is delayed, the work environment isn’t ideal, the company is having layoffs, not to mention the tough commute many men have. These things can wear a man down very easily. They need constant encouragement and support from us. A mans biggest questions (engrained in him from childhood) are.. “Do I have what it takes?”, “Am I enough?” Men will ask this question as long as they breathe. They start out as a little boy wanting dad’s approval, to be a hero like his dad. To make their daddy’s proud. As they get older it’s about getting the girl. Does he have what it takes to get her, to be her hero, to rescue her, to provide for her, to make her happy. Will he measure up. He needs to know that you admire him, think he’s smart, that you think he leads you and your family well, that you trust him with your future, that you think he’s attractive, that he’s doing a good job and you are proud of him. He needs to hear these things! Often! If you want to see your man come alive and beam with confidence, just try it!

Don’t sweat the small stuff, but don’t ignore it either
We shouldn’t argue the little things and cause disunity between us and our spouse. Little things like how we put the toilet paper on the holder, and if we roll the toothpaste tube up or squeeze it in the middle can seem like a worthy cause for an argument if it is something that gets on our nerves. However, neither of these things really matter. They are both preferences. Stressing over little things like this can begin an unnecessary argument, or excel one already in progress. If we want to change the way we do it out of consideration for our spouse,  that is a selfless act that would be greatly appreciated by them, but we shouldn’t demand that they change the way they do it. It’s just not worth the conflict. We need to save our time energy for resolving issues with the important stuff. Also, pointing out all the little things can cause discontentment, and actually make the already big stuff, even bigger! If there is something you just cant let go, by all means, discuss it! But, just accept it if you can! A friend once said to me, “before reacting, ask yourself what it will matter a week from now, months from now, years from now.” If it really won’t matter then, don’t react. At least not negatively! This has stuck with me for years and saved a lot of heartache!

“Get ready” – even if you’re not going anywhere
You may be a stay at home mom, or work from home every day, but you should still get ready as if you were leaving the house. Aside from the fact that you will be more productive, your spouse will appreciate your efforts in looking and smelling nice when they get home. It is easy to stay in your PJ’s all day knowing you will not encounter anyone, but it’s worth the effort when he knows you do it just for him. A man likes his wife to take care of herself. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, you lose motivation and momentum to take care of him. I’m sure my husband would want me to add one more thing to this. Just a simple task of meeting them at the door when they come home, or immediately acknowledging their presence with a smile or kiss, can set their mood for the whole evening! They want to know they are missed and welcomed back to their haven!

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
– Martin Luther

Dating after marriage is mandatory
For several years now, Scott and I have made it a priority to have regular dates. It may consist of dinner and a movie, a weekend getaway, fast food and running errands, or a quiet evening at home alone. The goal is to spend time with each other intentionally, without distraction! To keep studying and learning things about each other. To share goals, hopes and dreams! So many times we get so distracted by “everyday life” that we forget why we fell in love in the first place! A marriage relationship will not maintain itself! It takes a constant, focused, effort from both parties! Your children will leave one day and have lives and families of their own, and you still have to like your husband. Many wives focus solely on the kids after they are born, and for some, it seems they forget they have a husband. Though I agree that it is very important for us to spend time with, take care of, nurture and have good relationships with our children, it is even more important to do this with our spouse. You only hold your child’s hand for a while, you hold your spouses for a lifetime!Looking at foundational Christian values, that’s the way God designed it. It has been proven that our kids will look at our marriage as an example of how it’s supposed to be. We show them how to treat the opposite sex in a relationship, and how they should be treated. We show them how to handle conflict, how to value commitment, how to prioritize, how to parent, as well as modeling admiration, respect, love, loyalty, and unity in our marriage relationship. Convicting huh? Yeah, for me too! I’ve learned a lot about how NOT to do things! But I do not give up! Change takes time, and some of us are a little hard-headed. “I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.” The most important thing you can do for your children is to love and respect your spouse!

Reassurance, affirmation, affection, and a confidence boost This sort of expands on being his biggest cheerleader. We all like to receive compliments. Whether it be on our looks, how well we did something, how smart we are, etc. We always think of women as the ones fishing for compliments and being crushed if she doesn’t get them. This is usually true. However, a man has these needs too! The difference is that he won’t fish for them, or let you know that he’s upset he didn’t get any. At least not verbally! If you look carefully, you will see it in a change of his attitude. I learned this first hand. Though our husbands have different, more specific ways of receiving love, this one is pretty universal. I really can’t remember how it started, but I know that I was on a mission to let my husband know that I admired him, still had affections for him, thought he was attractive, and that he was all I needed. I may have gained a few ideas from the Fireproof “Love Dare” daily challenge cards (which I would recommend to ANYONE who wants to strengthen their relationship). Many of the things I began to do are so simple and take very little time, but the rewards are HUGE! Some of the things I have done and continue to do are; calling him during the work day just to say “I was thinking about you, and I love you”, Packing a little note in his lunch wishing him a good day or telling him that I can’t wait for him to get home, unexpectedly showing up at his company to take him to lunch, text him sweet or enticing messages during the day, cook his favorite meal, get up in the morning and make his lunch and fix his coffee (seeing him off to work), leave a sweet message on the bathroom mirror with lipstick, write on his Facebook wall telling him how much I love and appreciate him for providing for our family, acknowledge and thank him for doing something I’ve been asking him to do around the house, when going out to eat choose his favorite instead of mine, point out his strengths, thank him for helping in the home (even for the smallest of things), tell him he is attractive, compliment his abilities and talents, fix his plate for him, sit with him and keep him company while he’s working on something (or help him). This list could really go on and on. I’m sure there are many more things I could add to my own list as well, but this gives you a good start if you draw a blank. As I began to do these things, I noticed the POWER and STRENGTH doing things like this gives him. There are more smiles, a softer heart, more appreciation for me, more contentment, more unity, more romance, and more confidence altogether. He feels he has a partner in this world and with me by his side, he can conquer or achieve anything!

Ragged old T-shirts are not appropriate for bed
Our husbands married us for many reasons, but high on their list is femininity and sex appeal! No man wants his wife to come to bed in an old ragged t-shirt , flannel PJ’s or nightgown, or anything that reminds them of their mother, grandmother, or for that matter, a vagrant. For years I had worn a T-shirt nightgown to bed. I could run around the house with it and a pair of shorts on and not be inappropriately dressed in front of the kids, it was comfortable. I received these wonderful items as gag gifts from my grandmother. That should have been a clue right there. When I say I wore them “for years”, I mean that I wore the same two nightgowns night after night until the were literally falling apart. The designs sewn on them were falling off, hanging on by a thread, they were faded, had a hole or two in them where the thread came out of the seam. These things were horrible! The sad thing is that I never realized it. Scott would say something about my ragged t-shirt every now and then, but I did not actually HEAR what he was really saying until one Christmas I opened a gift from my grandmother and it was yet a NEW T-shirt nightgown. Scott was polite enough to wait until she left, but then he had a voice that I heard loud and clear! He said that all I had  was old ragged shirts to sleep in, and if I insisted on wearing the new one, or for that matter ANY of them EVER AGAIN, I could sleep by myself!!! He had been saying it for years, but I just didn’t listen! He wasn’t saying that I had to wear lingerie every night, he was just saying he wanted me to be more appealing and look my best. Intimacy is a very important part of marriage. This is probably the most common area neglected by women in the relationship. I wont go into all of that in this post, but I will touch on a few simple things to get you thinking. Men are very visual. For this reason, they look at what is appealing to them. Every man wants a wife who makes an effort in looking her best. Not just when they are on their arm out in public, but in the privacy of their home. On the flip side, women want to feel beautiful and sexy, and want their husband to express that they are. What we wear can play into this greatly. If we are wearing something appealing, fixing ourselves up (hair, make up, shaved legs, etc.), then we have made an effort to look nice and have sex appeal. Our men appreciate this. It gives them something appealing to look at and therefore they are attracted, and hopefully express that to us, fulfilling our need to feel attractive and sexy. It’s a win, win situation! Yes, they should tell us that we are beautiful and sexy at times when they aren’t wanting to be intimate, but that too is for another post.

Early morning hugs and kisses
Early morning hugs and kisses set the tone for the day. If taking 20 minutes or so every morning to help your husband get ready for his day would positively change your relationship, would you do it? Our daily routine has looked different during the many seasons of our lives and obligations we’ve held. But, for the past several years I have had the privilege to get up by five AM every weekday morning with my husband. While he hits the shower, I take to the kitchen and pack his lunch, make his morning shake, fix his coffee, get his medicine and vitamins out, as well as anything else he needs for the day. When he is dressed, he comes in the kitchen, takes his medicine, drinks his shake, and we say goodbye for the day. But not before we stand there in the kitchen giving sweet hugs and kisses for a couple of minutes. These hugs and kisses are so important in so many ways!
1) They let him leave for the day knowing he is loved and valued.  Making the work he is doing day in and day out seem a little less burdensome or stressful. With MHF products, he can also battle that work stress.
2) It reminds him of what he has to come home to. That no matter what happens that day to make it so bad, he has me to come home to.
3) It let’s him know I care about the things that are important to him. These seem like little things that shouldn’t matter, but it’s huge for him! If I can wake a couple of hours earlier to start his day of good, why wouldn’t I be willing to do it?
4)It helps his mood and attitude throughout the day because of all the reasons I mentioned above and helps him to perform better at work.
5) It helps keep negative thinking out. When other men bash their wives or speak negatively about them (jokingly or not), having left home on such a pleasant note allows no room for any negativity to seep in and provoke him to join in. Instead, he is prone to brag about how good I am to him.
6) It also helps to protect our marriage from temptation. There are plenty of women out there who would love to be in my shoes, who want a husband who works and provides. They want what I have and will make no bones about trying to take him. He is reminded every day of how much I love him and take care of him and his needs, therefore there is no temptation that he can’t stand up against.
7) If there had been a little tension between us from a stressful evening, or we had to go separate ways the night before with different activities, reconnecting for those few moments that next morning just refuels our fire. (Yes, some mornings so much that he’s even late leaving for work). I know that’s a little TMI, but that’s important stuff too! Even if it IS five AM!!

I could list many more reasons that I think these hugs and kisses are special, necessary, and how they make a huge impact on our relationship (and can on yours too), but I think you get the idea!

I don’t claim to know everything there is to know about relationships or marriage, but the experience, successes, and failures of being married for twenty-four years gives me a good idea. I hope and pray that you take away something from this post that will help you in your relationship.

Blessings to you my friends,

Tandy

For a few years now, I have wanted to do something with my writings. I have explored many avenues, including the writing of a book. I’ve actually already named it. Though I’m not quite ready to tackle that one, I do want to share my writings in a meaningful way. As I begin to pursue my passion in another avenue, adding a new title to my resume, I feel it is important for people to know “who” I am. Not just a face and a name, but to reveal the heart and passion that drives me.

For many years I have worked in settings where I mentored, counseled, encouraged and provided knowledge and resources to people in need. These needs were either emotional, physical, mental, financial, or spiritual. Many times they had needs in multiple areas. Whatever the case, with my obvious desire to help the person, coupled with the genuine care and concern I had for them, I was very instrumental in helping people overcome obstacles in their lives, make changes, and accomplish their goals. This has always been very rewarding to me.

I feel that my “real life” experiences throughout my 43 years, have both equipped and enabled me to accept people for who they are, to relate to them, and have deep insight into the underlying issues that hold them back and keep them from being as successful as they can be. I believe that these life experiences from “The School Of Hard Knocks”, far outweigh any formal training that I have obtained, or could obtain. The formal training and education is important, but REAL people, imperfect people, with real problems, want to talk to, confide in, and be influenced by, a REAL person, who is imperfect themselves. Not just an educated person who has been book trained, with no impressionable life experience. In addition to REAL, they want someone who truly cares, who acknowledges their own shortcomings, and who won’t pass judgement on them.

As I began to further pursue and expand on my passion to help others in a more real and practical way, by gaining the title LIFE COACH, I decided to create this blog as a tool to encourage and inspire people in a simple and practical way.

If I have to narrow it down and tell you just what this blog is about, I would say that the answer would be “my passion in life”. This passion revolves heavily around PEOPLE. People are the main thing in my life that I am most passionate about. My family and friends are very important to me, but it goes far beyond that! I have always been one to reach out and love on and help people. People who are different or outcasts, people who are hurting, people who are destitute, people whose lives are messy, people who feel broken and hopeless, people who feel unworthy, and people who don’t even want to be loved.

You will see writings of the things in life that pull on my heart strings, things that I feel so moved by that I want to share with others. As I share about real life events that we can all relate to, both personal and public, you will find that I become transparent to a fault so we talk about relationships and addiction and how it affected my beloved ones. I do this so that you may see my personal realness, where I struggle, where I thrive, and how my passion moves me, changes me, and calls me to action. I want you to take my writings to heart and experience my deep passion so much that it can only compel you to evaluate your own life and know that other people share some of your same struggles, pain, heartache, desires, and even passions. All people have a need to be loved, valued, and encouraged. It is my goal to relate to you wherever you are in life’s journey, to encourage you, and inspire you to make any positive impact in this world that you can, while encouraging others to do the same! I often use the phrase “people don’t care what you know, until they know that you care,”
This is so true! Once they know that you truly care about them, they most always, become influenceable, teachable, and even humble, allowing you to get to the heart of the matter and help them. My challenge to you……
Do what you can to make a difference for as many people as you can!