“Without the risk of experiencing great pain, there is no possibility of experiencing great love”.
What a complex statement! I was first exposed to this phrase through a counseling training program in 2010. At that time I had held a staff position at a local church for about six years. In my position there, as well as in other Charitable Organizations, I ministered to people in many different capacities, on many different levels. One of our pastors had learned of this 10 month training course and recommended that anyone that was able, should sign up for it. I decided to attend along with a few others on staff. The intention was to further our training and better equip us to provide counsel to people in the church body, as well as others in our community who would come to us for help with their problems. The training classes started and it wasn’t long before I realized that I had a lot to learn about myself before I could ever be fully effective in helping others. Not that I hadn’t been effective in counseling and mentoring in the past, but what I would learn over the next ten months would be monumental in my future counseling/coaching of others. Not to mention that it would forever change my life. I will post more on my overall experience in the class at a later date.

This strong statement was one that really rattled me to the core! I drew several things from this statement before moving forward, and we revisited it several times throughout the course. It first generated thoughts for me about “great love.” A warm and cozy feeling. I thought about all of the people I loved, who loved me, those I had good relationships with. It was a great feeling. But then our instructor provoked deeper feelings by asking us to think about the people in our lives who had hurt us, who had caused us pain. Those who we loved, but they didn’t love us back, or the relationship was eventually broken. He didn’t want us to answer out loud. I began to think about the people I loved, that I had broken relationships with. This began to hurt a little. The instructor went on to say that he’d bet that it was someone who was the closest to us. A spouse, a parent, a child, a sibling, a best friend, etc. This was true for me. In fact, I had been deeply hurt by a few of these people who were very close to me. He asked why we thought it hurt so much….. Our answers danced all around the point he was trying to make. Then he said “because we cared so much”! If we didn’t care, it wouldn’t hurt! When we open ourselves up to someone we care about, being transparent, letting them know how much we care, sharing our hearts, our feelings, and our lives with them, we become very vulnerable. We give that person power. The power to hurt us! Since they are so close to us, and know us so well, they have the ability to hurt us the most deeply. Therefore, if we are pursuing a great love, an intimate relationship with anyone, whether romantic or just friendship, we run the risk of being deeply hurt. You can’t separate the two. If we are going to be as close as we can be with another human being, we have to become vulnerable. We have to be real, transparent, and trust that person essentially, with our heart! However, if you suspect your partner has some alarming sexual behaviors, then it might be best to call upon services such as porn addiction help.

I think it is safe to say that we have all been hurt by someone. The truth is, we will probably be hurt at some point by everyone we have an ongoing relationship with. It’s just human nature. Granted, many hurts may be small and easier to get over and move on. No matter how small, they are still painful. We have already established that the deepest wounds come from those whom we are closest to. Sometimes we are hurt by someone and we forgive them. We are able to move forward and continue to grow our relationship. But often, we forgive, but don’t let that person as close to us again. And, in some cases the relationship is simply deemed irreparable. I find that in many cases people can’t forgive and mend the relationship because they are afraid of being hurt again. They put up these walls and let no one in. They do this knowingly or not, because they think if they let people get close to them they will eventually hurt them. So, they just do not allow themselves to love, or get close to anyone, and even reject those who try to love them. They feel its safer that way. This is a sad and lonely place to be. But, to them it’s safer than taking the risk! They are avoiding pain at any cost! And it is costing way more than they realize. I’ve been in this lonely place before. They may very well have a point, but I don’t think this is where most of us really want to be. To live in fear.

I think about how many close relationships that I have now, and how much they mean to me. Yes, I have some very deep wounds from past relationships, and even current relationships. But, if I had kept up walls and didn’t allow myself to become vulnerable again, I would have missed out on some of the most fulfilling, special, and closest relationships I have ever known. The same thing would have happened if I hadn’t been willing to forgive others offences. When forgiving others I use this guide: “Only forgive others to the extent that you would want them to forgive you if you were the offender.” As for me, using this guide, I’ve had to forgive to a great extent. I have loved deeply, and I’ve been hurt deeply. Some relationships have given me nothing but happiness and a fulfilling friendship (this is rare). Some I forgave and the relationship mended and has grown since. Some, I forgave, but decided that it was no longer worth the risk to pursue the relationship, (either they were a repeat offender many times over or they were dragging me down instead of lifting me up). The latter is a rare occurrence. I have gained some beautiful relationships, but they were not attained without the risk of experiencing great pain. We cannot charge or penalize one person, for what another person did to us. Just because one person hurt us, and hurt us deeply, doesn’t mean that the next person will do the same. I challenge you to give people the benefit of the doubt, take them at face value. It’s highly likely that they’ve been hurt before too. Let them get close to you, let them see the real you, and to love you, and love them back! Yes, it’s true that you might get hurt, but you just might gain an amazing friendship/relationship, and find that it was worth the risk!